Friday, December 02, 2016

Friday Funny

A NUN GRADING PAPERS

Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk, grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure?

The following 25 statements about the Bible were written by children.  They have not been retouched or corrected.  Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1.  In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2.  Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.  Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3.  Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4.  The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
5.  Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6.  Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7.  Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8.  The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterwards Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9.  The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10.  The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11.  Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
12.  The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13.  David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar.  He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15.  When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16.  When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17.  Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18.  St John the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19.  Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you.  He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20.  It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21.  The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22.  The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23.  One of the oppossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.
24.  St Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25.  Christians have only one spouse.  This is called monotony.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Local Eagle

My former boss's (at the last job I had before having Rory) son was drafted by the Eagles in the rookie draft on Monday.

It'll be so exciting to see a local boy in the blue and gold next year.

Photo from http://westcoasteagles.com.au



Here's his post-draft interview.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Bible Verse of the Day


My ears had heard of You, but now my eyes have seen You.


Job 42:5

Friday, November 25, 2016

The Pendulum: Not Wishing It On Anyone, But Not Wanting To Be Alone

Having postnatal depression has been one of the toughest experiences of my life.  Sorry to use a cliche, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

However (and I feel kind of evil for saying this), I do sometimes wish someone else I know had it.  All of the friends I have that have/had postnatal depression, I have met through the Mother Baby Unit, or in groups dedicated to helping mothers recover from PND.  I only know of two people that I met in everyday life that have confessed to having had major PND (both before I met them).

Therefore, I feel kind of lonely.  The statistics say that one in seven mums will suffer from postnatal depression.  Either they hide it very well, or the stats just seem wrong.  Of course, many mums will admit to having had the baby blues or mild PND, but when it comes to being hospitalised and suffering majorly, I appear to be alone.  I've watched friends have babies recently and they appear to just be coasting on by.  Yes, they admit the sleep deprivation is tough, but otherwise they said they're doing well.

I don't want mums to suffer...I just don't want to feel alone.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

12 Things You've Never Done

Rodney has created a list of 12 unusual things he's done or had happen to him in his life that most of his readers wouldn't have (at least not all 12).  Read it here on his blog.

This is my list.  I haven't done as many exciting things as Rodney has, but I'm guessing no-one reading this post has done all of them.  Let me know if you've had any of these experiences.

1.  Had a Transient Ischaemic Attack at 19
I was in my third year of uni when I woke during the night with agonising pain in my head.  Worse than a migraine, my head hurt just touching the pillow and it felt like my skull was going to blow apart.  I was so dizzy and I lost feeling in the right side of my face and down my right arm.  I was left with a pins and needles sensation in my face and arm for nearly a week afterwards.  After numerous tests and doctor's visits (including a CT scan to check for a brain tumour), ruled out a number of other possible diagnoses, the doctor decided it must have been a TIA.  My family on my dad's side has a history of stroke; my dad has had many TIAs.  I've never had one since, but I'm mindful that I need to reduce stress as much as possible and get plenty of sleep (haha why did I have kids?).

2.  Played a black cat, a farmer's wife from 1914,  and an old crone with a bucket on her head in some of the plays I've been in.
I'm willing to bet some people reading this have been on stage....but I doubt any would have played these characters.







3. Played tennis against Casey Dellacqua
It was 1996. She was 11, I was 13, and she was part of a group of state-level juniors who came down to Albany to play some of the local kids.  We thought we were to be playing against ordinary kids like us.  Talk about a mismatch.

Image from here
4.  Been hospitalised for postnatal depression...twice
Related posts:
Where I Am and Where I've Been
It's Happened Again

5.  Had two short stories published in creative writing magazines
My first was in Brillig (a literary journal of prose and poetry for teenagers, which existed between 1995 and 2000) when I was in Year 10 (1998).  The second was in Sitelines when I was in my first year of uni (2001)....unfortunately the older editions aren't online anymore.  I want to try to get some more published. 

6.  Been diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis
I never thought I'd get arthritis.  Thankfully, I'm feeling pretty good at the moment.
Related posts:
Life with AS 

7.  Eaten crocodile
Our local butcher stocked some for a while.  It was very expensive, but delicious.  It tastes like a cross between chicken and fish.

8.  Had my photo taken with a giraffe
It was when I was doing a play at the Perth Zoo in 2003.  I wish I had a copy of the photo.  You'll just have to take my word for it.

9.  Made a chicken hat
I've made this hat several times...once for an Easter hat parade when I was in primary school, once for a friend's mad hatter themed birthday, and once for a hat competition at our local agricultural show.
Related posts:
Show Business




10.  Made a watermelon bra
Another show competition creation
Related posts:
There Are No People Like Show People






11.  Seen The Doctor Blake Mysteries being filmed
It was in Williamstown, while we were on holidays in Melbourne in 2012.
Related posts:
Williamstown




12.  Written a novel about Aussie Rules football
The big one!  Still working towards publication.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Bible Verse of the Day

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:16

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Pure Sex

No, it isn't a sex manual haha.

But, seriously, it's probably not a book you'd want to read on the train on your morning commute to work.  Then again, it could kickstart some very interesting conversations.

Despite the title, this is not a book about marriage.  It's about the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 70s and how it promised sexual 'freedom', yet delivered pain, broken relationships and confusion.  It's about God's view of sex, which is often very misunderstood by non-Christians (and even some Christians).  Many of those outside the church assume God is a prude, that He is anti-sex, that Christians consider it to be something dirty and shameful.  But, really, it's Christians who consider sex to be dirty and shameful that should be taking a long, hard look at themselves.  God is FOR sex, He designed it, one need only read Song of Songs in the Bible to know that.  It's just that He created boundaries for it to be enjoyed.  When people strip (pardon the pun) those boundaries away, that is when it becomes sinful and terrible consequences come about...even though it might feel like 'freedom' at the time.  Sex within the boundaries of marriage is meant for our good, our enjoyment, and God's glory.

The book explores the history of the sexual revolution and the Bible's teaching on sex.  It's not a terribly profound read.  It's good that the book offers hope at the end, by pointing readers towards the forgiveness offered in Christ.  While the world may be a mess, God can and will forgive sexual sin if people turn to Jesus.  I first read it as a new Christian back in 2002 and I learnt some new things.  A new Christian or someone interested in what Christians believe about sex would be the people most likely to benefit from this book.


You can order this book from the Matthias Media Australian online store here.
Or the North American store here.