Lesson 7 from Sarah's School of Dating

I can see you all peeing from excitement that I have written the next installment in this series ;)

In my previous lesson, I discussed important factors to consider for a single Christian seeking a godly Christian spouse. It seems that the essential ones are for your potential spouse to be of the opposite sex, free to marry (ie. not already married), Christian and not a blood relative (despite it sounding weird, it IS ok for stepsiblings to marry each other).

However once you've ruled out anyone who doesn't meet those criteria, it still leaves a heck of a lot of people. I remember once sitting in a lecture theatre at uni while the Christian Union had their weekly Bible talk. There were a LOT of single guys there and potentially I could have married any of them (as long as they were willing to marry me of course). And I did meet quite a few guys who had that idea; that is, they wanted to get married and didn't see 'secondary factors' as a big deal. They didn't care if their wife wasn't into soccer like they were, they just thought it was important that she be Christian and keen to serve the Lord.....and that's it.

For me, as a young Christian, this was scary stuff to hear. Having grown up with a non Christian dating mindset, I saw 'secondary factors' such as family background, ethnicity/culture, hobbies/interests, age and denomination as having the utmost importance. I didn't think both spouses being Christian was enough and I still don't really. Sure it is one of the most IMPORTANT things but it's not the only thing. If you have nothing in common outside of being Christian, then what on earth are you going to spend your time doing together? When the initial passion of marriage fades a little, do you still have a friendship as well as a marriage?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you need to marry someone who is an exact clone of yourself but of the opposite sex. Differences are good as long as the couple aren't blase about them and are willing to face and work through them. I think you still need to have stuff in common and be willing to move in the same direction. By that I mean you desire to walk along a common path. For example, it would create problems if one partner wanted to be a missionary in China and the other wanted to stay in Australia. As I've found just in 10 months of marriage, sometimes you need to be willing to hand over the cherished dreams you had when you were single and be willing to create new dreams and directions together with your spouse.

I think many people are single today because they have very rigid ideas of what their future spouse will be like and refuse to sway from them. I know deep down many of us have a 'list' containing the qualities we would like in a life partner....I did. But it annoys me when people are too open about their lists and it just ends up making others feel they aren't good enough, that they don't measure up to this person's ideals so they move on to look elsewhere. Before I met Duncan, I did have qualities I wanted in a life partner but I tried to keep them general and kept in mind that God knows best and I needed to be open to his leading. I used to get so turned off by guys who had a 10 year plan and bluntly stated that they wanted a woman who would fit into their plan. It's fine to have goals and a clear idea about how you want to serve God but you also need to consider that if you marry, your spouse will also have their dreams and I think it's selfish to just expect someone else to fit the picture of your ideal partner. God may just provide the person you always hoped for but I think you need to be open and prayerful about where God will lead you.

I will share some of things I had on my list of qualities in a life partner:

• A desire to grow in love and knowledge of God. Not puffed up in arrogance or looking down on others who know less.
• Accepting of my desire to write books.
• Encouraging and generous with their time and money but also someone with firm boundaries.
• Someone I could be open with, sharing my dreams and fears with and knowing they wouldn't laugh or judge me.
• Someone who wouldn't expect me to be something I'm not or fulfil a certain stereotypical role. I had issues about marrying men who were leaders in ministry because I knew I'd never be able to be the type of pastor's wife that so many people would expect.
• Able to look after himself, cook basic meals, keep his house clean etc. After student housing there was no way I was going to marry a feral bloke who would expect me to clean up after him. I like guys whose mothers have trained them to look after themselves so even if they are lifelong bachelors, they can cook more than two-minute noodles once in a while.
• Wise in the way they use their money. Not a materialistic spendthrift.
• On a more superficial level, I did hope they would be an Eagles' supporter or at least a fence-sitter (it makes things MUCH easier hehe). I always did have a thing for sporty guys. It must be from growing up in the country.
• Someone who has respect for the law ie. not doing stupid things like drag-racing or burning CDs and thinking there's nothing wrong with it.
• Likes animals and doesn't think it's funny to be cruel to them.
• Willing to have children one day.

That's as much as I can think of at the moment. Remember, singleness and dating is a time for evaluating potential partners. If you decide the differences are too great to work through, don't feel you have to because others have managed to work through the exact same problems and have a fabulous marriage. You are under no obligation to marry anyone. For example, I know someone who said he couldn't marry someone who has a mental illness (he has his reasons and it's not because he's mentally ill). There is no shame in being honest, even if it does sound hurtful. Of course, it would be completely different if one spouse was to become ill after they were married because we vow to love in sickness AND in health. If you're someone who is ill, old, has children from a prior relationship or anything else that makes you think that no-one will ever want to marry you, please don't believe this. God is indeed mighty enough to bring someone into your life who will accept you in your circumstances.

Now that you've read my 'list', I'd like to read yours. If you're single, what secondary factors are you looking for in a potential spouse? If you're married, what did you look for and does your spouse have all of those qualities? Remember this blog has jack all readers anyway, so feel free to be honest ;)