Friday Focus - Mourning With The Mourning

I know before I even really start typing that this post is probably going to be controversial.

A Tale of Two Friends
Earlier this year, a close friend of mine suffered a terrible loss.  As she went through the various stages of grief, and I did my best to comfort her from 300km away, she told me that many others in her life who she considered friends had not been so comforting.  She is a strong Christian who has not doubted God's love, but has been burned by the lack of acknowledgement of her grief by those in her church.  Since then, she has struggled to attend church regularly.

She told me that some people avoided her.  Others that she had told of her grief kept chatting to her like nothing had happened, but did not even offer one word of acknowledgement about her pain.  She said some offered much comfort in the beginning, but seemed to fall away after her time of struggle turned into weeks, and then months.  Out of all the people who said they were there for her in the beginning, only one friend continued to follow her up and meet with her to pray.

The second friend was rocked by the death of her brother's fiancee (who was also a close friend of hers) in early May, which I briefly mentioned in my post Not When, But If.  Her friend and sister-in-law to-be went to sleep one night and never woke up.  She was only twenty years old.  Since that time, my friend has expressed much of her grief on Facebook by writing beautiful, but heartbreaking letters to her late friend, and most of her status updates in recent times have been rather melancholy as she struggles to come to terms with her sudden loss.  About a month after the death, I was speaking to a mutual friend who asked why my friend kept putting sad statuses on Facebook a month on, as if she should be over it by now.  Ummm, newsflash: my friend may NEVER fully get over it.  She is taking steps forward, but it will certainly not be in the timeframe other people set for her.  I was astounded how anyone could make such a heartless comment.

Just Do Something
The first friend said the thing that hurt her the most was the lack of acknowledgement of her pain by other Christians...the people who she thought she could count on the most.  She wasn't asking for wise words, meals, hugs or gifts...she just wanted people to stop pretending it wasn't happening because it made them uncomfortable. All she wanted was for them to say, "I'm sorry for your loss," or "I'm praying for you."  Nothing deep, nothing profound.  But because she felt so many people were ignoring her, she felt more alone than ever.

I agree that it's difficult to know exactly how to help the hurting.  Some want people around them and others want space.  Some may become aggressive as they deal with their grief.  But however uncomfortable we may feel about their potential reaction, we need to realise that that person is feeling much worse.  Sometimes it may be good to ask how you can help practically, but often they may be too woolly-headed to ask for help so actions do speak loudly, such as cleaning someone's house or bringing them a meal.  If they have a request for you, like prayer or a hug or just to sit and talk, then DO it.  Read their body language which will usually be a strong indicator whether they want to talk or be left alone.

What Not To Do
Everyone's different, but I think there are some things that should definitely be avoided in times of suffering.  One is cracking jokes with someone who has just experienced a terrible loss.  They don't want to laugh, they need to grieve.  I have experienced such rage at people when I've told them about something terrible that has just happened, and all they do is smirk and spit out stupid one-liners.  They aren't trying to cheer me up; they just want to diffuse the atmosphere because it's making them feel uncomfortable.  SELFISH!

Don't say stupid things!  When Duncan's brother died nearly 11 years ago, he had someone come up to him and say, "I'm so sorry for your loss," (which he was fine with and appreciated), but then they continued to babble on, saying stuff like, "You must miss him," (well, duh!).  It's not about being cliched, but sometimes a short statement, a text message expressing your love or a sympathy card in the post can speak far more powerfully than incessant babbling.

The other thing that really makes me mad is when people who have experienced intense suffering fail to comfort others going through strife.  I really hate it when some people (particularly elderly Christians unfortunately) say blunt things like, "You're obviously not trusting God enough."  When I hear that, I think to myself, You nasty old crone.  You've received comfort when you were down, yet you fail to offer it gently to others with genuine concerns.  We ALL need to be pointed back to the love of God in the midst of our grief, but there is a way to do it and that is with TACT.

No Excuses
The old excuse, "I just don't know what to say," (so they avoid the grieving person and say nothing) doesn't cut it with me.  Instead of going out of their way to bring comfort to someone, all they can think about is their own potential discomfort.  Again, the selfishness of some people never ceases to amaze me.  It is worth experiencing discomfort for the comfort of others.  If you're not sure what to say, just say something like, "I'm sorry for your loss," or "I'm praying for you."  That's all some people want...acknowledgement.  The knowledge that someone cares for them...especially when they have gone out of their way to let people know what has happened only to be ignored.

I've heard a number of Christians talk about 'pity parties' as if they're too afraid to give comfort in case their friend decides to indulge in their sadness.  If that's their reason for ignoring the hurting then that is the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard!  My two grieving friends do not want to indulge in self-pity.  They want to move forward with baby steps, but if we are so insensitive we cannot acknowledge the terrible nature of death, then that is a very sorry state of affairs.

We are commanded by God to offer comfort to the suffering...just like the comfort He gives to us.  But I've realised that some just want to selfishly sit on the comfort they've received from God because it takes them too far out of their comfort zone to offer it to anyone else.  Paul says, "Mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12:15).  Comfort is not to be left to those who supposedly have the gift of comfort.  Yes, there are gifted evangelists, for example, but that's not an excuse for the rest of us to never be involved in evangelism.  We ALL have the responsibility for bringing comfort to those in our midst.

A Big Fat 'F' For The Church
Too many times the church has failed in this area.  So many churches have shallow relationships, masks and fake smiles.  To be honest, when I've admitted that I'm not doing so well, some people have almost looked annnoyed and uncomfortable as if I'm ruining their happiness and they can't wait to get rid of me.  Oh no, you can't talk about something SERIOUS in the church...we only talk about the weather or what our kids got up to here.  Or you just need to stop having a pity party and trust the Lord more.  *I roll my eyes*.

The Bible describes the church as a body.  We all are different and unique parts, each with our role to play.  If one part cannot function, the whole body is affected.  Think of when you have a sore foot.  Other parts of the body rally and take more of the load so that foot will not have to bear it.  I guess I had this kind of naive view that that would be how church would be like.  Sadly my hopes have often been dashed.  A friend told me a few years ago now, "I feel like our church is 'correct' (as in it has 'good teaching'), but I haven't really experienced a lot of love there."  Ouch!  And this was coming from a guy! 

If we know in our heads that the Bible commands us to comfort others, yet do nothing, that is detestable.  Unfortunately churches are very good at making people very busy and self-absorbed.  Some people are too wrapped up in themselves to notice what is going on around them.  I want to have wide-open eyes so I can see what is going on around me.  We are told to carry each other's burdens (Galatians 6:2), but unfortunately many people will just make you feel like an inconvenience.  Some people have said they find it hard because they feel they are shouldering too much.  When someone tells me about their troubles, I try to do all I can, but still take a step backwards so as not to make myself too stressed and unable to help them at all.  Perhaps if everyone took this seriously, the burden-carrying would not just fall to a kindheared few.

Having said all that, I do not want to take anything away from the genuine Christians I have met who have showed love and compassion to those in need.

Two-Second Facebook Memories
I am generally a big fan of Facebook in that it eases the burden of isolation somewhat.  But I've realised that it has its downsides.  Facebook and the media have made us into news-hungry sensationalists, in that so many people are constantly on the lookout for the latest 'heading', but have forgotten what they read two seconds ago.  Rodney from The Journey mentioned this in his post How can we forget Haiti?, pointing out that Haiti's plight does not end the moment it disappears from our TV screens.  Now, I'm starting to make mental and written notes of people's struggles mentioned on Facebook so that I can continue to pray long after it ceases to be 'news'.  I mean, seriously, people have memories like sieves these days, and we forget follow-up care.  One of my close friends had her first child a couple of weeks ago, and I want her to know that when all of the congratulatory hype dies down, that I'm still praying for this new little family and willing to help them in any way I can.  The same is true for both of the friends I have mentioned who are walking through grief.  With the second friend, I've noticed that the number of comments on her posts have dwindled as if people are becoming bored with her being so down.  I want to keep walking with those friends.  Grief and sorrow has no time limit.  Cathy from The Best Book Co-op has a brilliant post here about walking with friends through grief.

My Own Story
Why am I writing about this for Friday Focus?  Well, since Nan has been in hospital, I've seen the true colours of some people I know.  I'm not big on emailing or texting prayer points, but I know a number of people who do it regularly, contacting quite a few of their friends who they think are the praying-types and letting them know of a situation or a friend who needs to be lifted towards our Heavenly Father.  I'm happy to respond to these prayer requests and I believe if something is big enough to worry about, then it's big enough to pray about...I just can't ever remember sending out a prayer request before....until a few weeks ago.  I asked people to pray for Nan, explaining that my main concern was that she turn to Christ.  A number of people responded, but many I have not heard from at all.  Since then I have struggled with bitterness and anger.  I KNOW some people would have got that message since I've seen they have been on Facebook, mucking around, commenting on other people's trivial statuses about the weather or a bad coffee they had, yet they couldn't even take two seconds to say to me, "Yes, I'll pray," or "Sorry to hear that."  I noticed that when I put something silly and meaningless on Facebook like that I made the Mr Grumpy cake for Duncan's birthday, everybody comments or 'likes' it.  Yet, when I write that I'm visiting Nan in hospital, only one person comments.  ONE!  What sort of culture are we creating that we are happy to talk crap with people, yet we can't take two seconds out of our time-wasting to offer comfort?  I read this article the other day, and this bit stood out at me:
We're very good at celebrating good news in our culture. You're pregnant! Engaged! You got married! Had a baby! Bought a house! Got a promotion! But we're collectively hopeless when it comes to acknowledging things that are painful, awkward, unpleasant and sad.
I couldn't have said it better myself!

Another reason I'm struggling with anger towards some people is not just their lack of acknowledgement, but because I've counselled, hugged and helped some of these people when they're sad, but they can't be bothered doing the same for me in my hour of need.  I receive a fair few phone calls, emails and texts asking for support etc, so I didn't think it was too much to ask for some back.  All I was asking for was prayer for Nan.  That takes TWO MINUTES.  I wasn't asking for hugs, presents, food or a long chat.  All I wanted was for them to lift this prayer up to God.  I'm not asking them to love Nan as much as I do.  When friends have contacted me, asking me to pray for another friend of theirs, it's true that I don't know or love them as much as they do.  But I do care, and as I pray for this stranger, a peculiar thing happens.  I feel like I am united with them, I feel some of their pain, I sometimes even cry for them because although we haven't met, we are both part of the body of Christ and when they hurt, I hurt somewhat too.  Maybe some people just don't give a toss about the elderly.  I've heard that attitude from some young Christians and it has disgusted me.  They don't think the elderly are worth evangelistic efforts, that we should be focusing on young people.  Umm, hello, God cares about everyone.  Shouldn't we put some effort into people who don't know God and are near the END of their lives?  Maybe more people would respond if I was emailing them about a baby.  It's like some people think, She's just an old lady who's going to die soon anyway.  Well, this may be news to some people, but she matters to ME.  And I thought the salvation of those who don't know Christ should matter to some Christians.

I get tired of people who expect me to be full of jokes all the time, playing the clown and being the one who always cheers THEM up.  Well, I get sad too!  And I need to know that some people actually care.  Right now, I know I have some fantastic, genuine friends who have shown such love over the past few weeks (you know who you are).  But I'm also realising with sadness that some so-called 'friends' are not friends at all.  Oh they're very happy to have me around listening to their problems.  But when I need someone, they're nowhere to be found.  Or they actually have the nerve to smirk or have a little laugh while I'm trying to relay my grief.  All I am is a free counselling service to them.  I've tried to make excuses for them.  Maybe they're busy.  Maybe they forgot.  But now I'm acknowledging the harsh truth.  Some people are too self-absorbed and it's all about them!  I said to Duncan the other day that I'm trying to convince myself that some people have got my messages and prayed, but just not told me.  But from my vantage point, it feels like I'm being completely ignored.

Well, what has God has been teaching me through this?  To tell the truth, I really don't know.  Maybe He has been showing me that I have some really great friends...and some who don't care less?  Maybe He has been highlighting just how far the church falls short when it comes to comforting the sorrowing?  At women's Bible study on Tuesday, we looked at James (yes, the passages about the tongue), and I felt Him convicting me of my desire to really have a go at some people.  But how can you speak graciously to someone when your sinful nature is screaming at you to spit in their face?  It is a hard and painful transformation process.  I know my anger and bitterness will just consume me if I let it which is not what God desires.  Somehow I need to be godly in His strength, even though I have been hurt.

I'm still wrestling with how to confront people and how to deal with lopsided friendships.  If anyone has any suggestions, I would like to hear them.

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